Samstag, 20. März 2010

Life

Sometimes I wonder why people tell you "My deepest condolences". I mean those people in black..which appear at the spot of the person who passed away...and then put the empty body away covered with a white blanket.
I mean..it's not something they feel honestly..because how can they feel like thatwhen they don't even know you or knew the person who died. It's something they have to say of course..because it's polite behaviour...but I think saying something like this is rather...something emotional..so they should only say it if they mean it..but then again..

I don't know..in some cases I find it rather hard to cry...like for my grandma..it's rather like it makes me cry that she didn't die earlier. Such a life...being the whole day in a bed..not being able to drink like a normal person...not able to eat normal food..not being able to talk...not able to do anything anymore except lying in the bed...getting meds..so many meds that you feel like on drug...being sleepy all the time...and sometimes being forced by the nurses to do some gymnastic...she was home..but in how far this is a life...caught in your body...for like 1 year just lying in this bed...sometimes she was still able to talk some stuff...just some words...
The last time I saw her..I don't know anymore..I don't know anymore if I even visit in 2010...the latest I remember was at the end of December when we decorated my grandpa's tree...well maybe it's a pity I didn't visit them often although they just live like 2 streets away...while my mum was goign there every day..doing duties..but then..I never visited them often...it's not like I didn't love her..it rather seemed so frustrating to me.
Everytime I saw her lying in this bed I thought of...how does she feel...what does she still know..what can she still think of...I don't know what was her brain health like anymore..but..at any rate..it was saddened me.

I don't know what were the reasons of her death in the end..if it was caused by her brain..or her heart..but what does it matter in the end
the fact that fell asleep peacefully, makes me at least a little bit happy.
I really think..people who are able to smile when they die..can't be afraid of death anymore..there can't be something horrible at the top of the stairs...or at the end of the tunnel...and I am somehow glad...when people who were caught in their body while being part of our world..finally can find Peace...and maybe continue "living" they want when they leave our world.
With the thought that my dad and my 2 grandmas are already on the other side..it somehow becomes less uncomfortable..well all 3 died much to early for sure..my dad just died at 34..my dad's mother I think with 70 or at the end of 60s at least..my mum's grandma with 75.
Well..I wonder what affects such things..like every body differs...may it be diseases which will come one by one..some people turn 90 without trouble...I mean my grandpa is about 78 or even 79 I think..but he's more or less still healthy.
But you know..there are older people...which can't deal with the death of their dearest person...and will die soon later. But for my grandpa..I think he's strong. He's really a tough guy..so xD
I am sorry for being so imageless but there are things like this..which can't really get conveyed through images...and there are entries when just a pic is enough without any writings.

Good-bye grandma...

4時間前にお母ちゃんのお母さんが死んでいた、、
静かに亡くなったのでなんかうれしいけど、もちろん悲しみもある、、

おばあちゃんが大好きなのに、、、ごめんなさい。
今日は何を言ったらいいのかわからない、、このまま日本語で考えるのはありえない、、

だから、ここで止めよう。


太陽に目を閉じて 永遠を夢にみて
永遠に眠り付く(たどりつく) 階段を上るだけ
So faraway So faraway So faraway So faraway
So faraway No faraway So faraway No faraway ムード
( will always dedicate this song to my dearest people who passed away...)


さよなら、愛しい人、、さよならおばあちゃんハート

(I just copied it from my mixi entry because...yeah...added the other bracket part just here though.)