Mittwoch, 4. Januar 2012

Good evening!


Today I have/had my day off...tomorrow is early shift again.
This day was quite relaxing. Well every day off is relaxing because I am lazy.
All I did is showering, eating, hating my lip herpes..and feeling sad ó.ò
And I already broke my new year's resolution...but that's not my fault....I just didn't want it like this...
I mean...he should know that even if I don't continue commenting anymore that I still like him in some way or another. But I was scared that I am the only one....so apparently I am not which makes me feel relieved. But no matter what happens it doesn't feel like before. It will probably never be like before but...mmh he probably doesn't care so I shouldn't care either. After all it was also often him who said I shouldn't worry about him etc. but I think that's the japanese way. Troublesome.

Soon it's already 1/4 year ago since I was in Japan and all..but it feels like yesterday.
Everything feels the same. It's like with my friends..even if I didn't see them for months or even a year the feelings towards them are the same..as if we were never seperated.
And while I feel the desire to go to Japan again, I also feel the uncomfortable feeling of going there again. And I also feel the desire just to crawl somewhere without coming out again.
When life is such adventure, I seriously prefer my boring life without adventures because in the end adventures always contain good and bad incidents.
But I also feel like having the same thoughts all the time. My feet are always going forth and back. All I want is to proceed...but I don't know where I should go to proceed...clinging to the past which felt good is easier than heading to an unknown place. Also if my will is not strong enough to proceed, I simply won't proceed. Probably I am too young to have something like a strong will...to release what's in the past.
But you know, releasing everything is not what I want. There are some parts I always want to be with in future...but that's why I also can't release the stuff I want to....everything seems connected with each other.
However, I am not a crybaby so crying is a no-go. It's all psychically so there must be a method to live with it. But being gentle after this....it's something which is hard for me...no matter how many people motivate me it's fruitless as long as it's not the right person.

写真見るたびに、頬を撫でたいような気がする.....無理無理....肌がソフトかな?知りたくてたまらない </3

Montag, 2. Januar 2012

Warum hideki Σ( ̄。 ̄ノ)ノ

Oh gott ich hab heute Nacht von Hgeträumt und es war ein Albtraum.
Naja so halb zumindest. Er war bei mir als ne Mischung Bewohner und Urlaub auf Arbeit.
Das Seltsame ist ich hab nur 1 Stunde oder so geschlafen und hatte trotzdem eine Traumphase. Merkwürdig o.O ich frag mich allerdings warum ausgerechnet heute nacht.
Vllt weil ich so viel gegrübelt hab bevor ich eingeschlafen bin aber eigentlich gruebel ich ja immer und Träume trotzdem nie von ihm. O.o
Naja es ist erst ein paar mal vorgekommen aber nicht innerhalb des letzten Jahres. Was mein unterbewusstsein mir wohl damit sagen will??
Auf jeden fall fanden ihn alle eigenartig vom Benehmen her und ich hab ihn in Schutz genommen auch wenn wir uns nicht gesehen haben.
Und irgendwie hatte ich im Traum noch einen anderen Traum in dem er mich im Treppenhaus mit einem grimmigen Yakuza Blick verfolgt. Also irgendwie seltsam.
Wahrscheinlich wollt mir mein Unterbewusstsein sagen dass selbst wenn ich manchmal ihm gegenueber auch leichten Hass empfinde bzw verärgert bin, kann ich ihm nicht boese sein.
Vllt ist es mein Schicksal (ーー;)